Austin, with love

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i unintentionally live my live by the seven deadly sins and it just hit me yesterday night.

the more i tried to justify that i might just be one or two that i could correct, it was all of them, like BIG TIME. granted, there is a lot that i have going for myself and some things that i like but there is just SO much that is wrong with me.

I have put my pride in the way of EVERY friendship and relationship i’ve ever had and refused to be wrong or put anyone first in my life and i have lost 99% of everyone that’s close to me and have even lost even groups of people as normal friends who don’t like me because i’m so selfish. i’m always so blameless and especially when i’m hurt or offended, which is a lot of the time, it’s always about me and what you did to me and not what i neglected to do or say. I’m so vain and i’m always about the way i look and what is going on in my life and how others look to me and making sure that the way i look is perfect and that i’m so hot and that it doesn’t matter what’s on my inside, everyone will love me because i’m hot or try to be. i have diluted myself honestly to a point that i don’t even know if i can correct it.

I am probably one of the most lustful people i have ever met. i try to make myself sexy and sell sex and i just always am thinking about how i want to have sex with this person or with that person and lets not even get started on how many times i’ve actually had sex. I mean, let’s be real, i can never have a real relationship for more than a month because i lose interest in someone as soon we start having sex so it only lasts a month because i spend 3 weeks trying to get out of it. plus they always cheat, but that’s beside the point.

I’m not that gluttonous but for real, like when i get a hand, i want an arm. with everything in my life. I can’t just have a little bit of something. i USE AND USE AND USE OR TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE until it’s fucking so annoying or dead to me that i can’t stand it anymore or it just doesn’t have anymore to give me so it’s useless.

Again, i’m not that greedy but i’m ALL about money. i am always thinking about how i can make money and how i can improve my social and status and wealth. It’s money money money money money money money. it’s ridiculous. i’m always worried about how much can i spend and all the different ways i can spend money. betrayal is also apart of this for some reason and i am a HUGE traitor most of the time, as long as i benefit myself.

When it comes to sloth, i’m extremely lazy. simple as that. i never EVER want to get up and do stuff and i’m always looking for ways to make things easier for myself so i don’t have to do any work at all.

ugh, wrath, i hate to say it because i usually try to tell myself i don’t have an anger or attitude problem but i really do. At the slightest bit of tension, i always have something sarcastic or mean or angry or bitter to say. it just consumes me subconsciously how angry and bitter and annoyed i am with everyone and everyone sees what a shitty mood i’m in all the time. i’m just so angry at life and i don’t even realize why anymore. i never let anything go either and that problem doesn’t help.

and last but not least, my biggest problem, envy. i can honestly say that i’m the most jealous person i have ever met aside from my sister. I live in this constant state of jealousy with this giant green eyed monster inside me. i can never be happy for anyone because i’m so caught up with the fact that i wasn’t good enough and that i want to be as good as them or better. i alwayssssssssss harp on the things i don’t have and who has better than me and i end up resenting a lot of people that i care about because i just want to be them or have what they have.

maybe that’s why i’m miserable 80% of the time. i have a lot of work to do. i’m so glad i’ve realized this and put it all out because now i can start to really work on myself.

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